when I think of my poppa and the things he gave me I feel uneasy, I can't feel his love like this. the ring that I lost is there, not the right sort of presence. I imagine him knowing where it is and that's ambiguous. but one night I imagined very vividly that he was speaking to me. we had a long conversation, and it was not ambiguous any more, it was joyous and peaceful, total love, like when we said goodbye.

I don't remember the details of that conversation, and day-to-day his gifts to me bring mixed feelings - not about him, but just that I can't find him there. but today I remembered how much he LOVED the hoodie that we gave him. He wore it all the time. I have a photo of him in it. He just totally adored it. that is much easier.