baby's hot red cheeks - sun or teething or just heat? we're breastfeeding in the bath - as soon as he latches on his eyes drift out of focus, the lids want to close. something in the water looks dirty, swirling, bodily, from the baby or? but he's not weed or pooed, not the right place, and there it is again, swirling, cloudy, I follow to my nipple and I don't recognise what is happening - it's just the milk letting down while he feeds on the other side, but I've never seen that, all the years of having breasts, never seen a tiny jet of milk spinning out into the water. and I'm thinking about following thoughts, the looping round and round, how I've never even tried to write that or really hear it, and thinking - surely it can't all be unpleasant, dull, self-centred, mawkish? surely not all of it?