I went shopping all day, to try to do something necessary but not requiring any engaged thought. Drifting shop to shop, exercising 'choice'. It's like this gives a legitimacy to non-personage. You just choose pieces of identity to fit on, build a person out of clothes. I don't want to hate it any more. There are ways to make it work better: do it regularly, research, remember what you own, remember your sizes, look at pictures, look in the mirror, notice what others wear and decide what you like. Decide what you like. And then when you have enough of what you like from enough different sources that is what you are. People see this and they care. People can see you. They make evaluations about what you are like and under certain circumstances they discuss that. Usually to the effect that you are too this or a bit that. Quite this but very that. So you want to look a bit like what you think you'd like to be thought of.

So I went around all afternoon thinking 'I like that' 'I don't like that'. And I came home with an orange cardigan with pink trim. And a shirt with a large paisley flowers-and-birds print on it, and a t-shirt that N liked. When I got home again I guess I felt more personish, because I put them on and thought Yes I do like that! And I thought I should have a green top to go with the cardigan and maybe even some checked trousers.

I think when you have a long talk with a friend you become a person. When you have a series of long talks over a long time you are together persons made in that. When you lose someone who has one end of your conversations it's hard. Right now she's all around being newly dead and concretely so, and today he gave you a reprieve because of grief. But really you need more points of reference. Colours, objects, closeness.