Trying to go back through things here and find stuff that I can put together. A lot of it I prefer just as it is, fragments falling on one another, little squares layering, intensifying in colour and then fading off, drifting into something else. I like this better than whole separate things.

Dreamed that I was out by the back fence with N and a young woman who was standing in for my little sister, because she couldn't be there, and one or two others. It was night and for some reason we were watching the sky. There were thousands of stars visible. I saw a shooting star - I exclaimed and pointed but as I did I started to see dozens and then hundreds of others brightening and fizzing away into nothingness. I looked to the Southern Cross (in the dream I called it the Aurora Borealis) in time to see its stars do the same. They were gone. It was clear we were witnessing the end of our known existence, our galaxy coming to its end.

Before I could be terrified I knew I had to make sure my sister was okay. I hugged the girl as we looked at the sky and told her 'It's an incredible thing to be alive at this time, to see this.' I knew I had to find my actual sister and teach her this, wherever she was, in time for her to be okay.

And then I started repeating an exclamation of wonder - maybe 'Look at them! Just look at them!' I said it over and over until I woke up and then it echoed around keeping me awake.

Gerard Manley Hopkins, The Starlight Night LOOK at the stars! look, look up at the skies!
O look at all the fire-folk sitting in the air!
The bright boroughs, the circle-citadels there!
Down in dim woods the diamond delves! the elves’-eyes!
The grey lawns cold where gold, where quickgold lies!	5
Wind-beat whitebeam! airy abeles set on a flare!
Flake-doves sent floating forth at a farmyard scare!—
Ah well! it is all a purchase, all is a prize.
Buy then! bid then!—What?—Prayer, patience, aims, vows.
Look, look: a May-mess, like on orchard boughs!	10
Look! March-bloom, like on mealed-with-yellow sallows!
These are indeed the barn; withindoors house
The shocks. This piece-bright paling shuts the spouse
Christ home, Christ and his mother and all his hallows.

crying meditations:

- throat dilated and hardened into an open ring, tongue quivering free on its stalk like a baby bird tongue 

- intense sharp itch on the foot, on the neck, on the left side of the abdomen, itches layering and getting fiercer, pincers, whole body chained, hard jaw, teeth together

- hot sheets of back-ache, layer under layer, crumpling

- empty flask suddenly opening on the left hand side of the diaphragm, hard shell, filled with cold air 

- brief sharp stomach pain opening into deep jelly wobbles in a quick 2/4 rhythm

livid sun this evening, dropping below the clouds and into a last stretch of haze before the hills.

trying to write that and about the pink student halls snugged into the hills, pagoda style roofs, but distracted, that instead we were rolling back away from the sun, and the thin empty prism between the ground and clouds was now angled towards it. 

actually this afternoon there was soft sunshine for a long time through the window onto my face and the desk, where I was slowly grading, reading the poems several times, drifting away, coming back. I went to look at him in the bedroom - I knew he was asleep - curled over my pillow, holding it. 

may the early light shine upon you

His eyes were a little bit fervent tonight, saying 'I can do this too'. he offered his critique. "It's a little bit of a train of thought." Then we stepped out of the theatre onto the closed road, roadworks. the humidity so thick we were walking into a warm cloud, cotton grey on the night. no traffic anywhere.