dreamed last night that I was somewhere - some kind of bland resort-chalet type place, not at a beach - with school friends, but fundamentally alone. my mother called to tell me that she had decided to kill herself. what? but she wasn't asking for help, she'd already decided, and she'd just called with a certain kind of hardness, almost spite, to let me know - as in 'I thought you'd want to know'. I started to argue, shout, plead, cry - 'if you die I will never, ever be okay again' - and I'm thinking of T as I say this, that he will not be okay either. I cry and scream and protest for a long time, and then she laughs, and hangs up.