at 11 weeks when things were tenuous I thought I felt the baby feeling me, aware of me, and sometimes when I surged with awareness of it, it surged back on those currents.

now I feel like he's tucked in a needed unconsciousness. I know he's alive because we've needed so many scans, but I don't feel his awareness, or I feel like it is wrapped around his own growing, where it needs to be.

saying 'he' still feels like a slight aggression at this stage. it is fun for us and it lays out some sort of hazy movie for a future but he's still an it, unburdened by personhood or gender, not needing any appearance. except the appearances which tell us he is alive and growing. is that an intrusion?

into my own willingness to be open to the fortune of death, to sail with it again.