ornitorrinco

An apology for a family transgression - a layer towards the bottom is more settled, less fractious.

And eruptions at the top, plates shifting beyond me.

the next task is to order and read the ms. I may just stay home tomorrow to do that. I don't want to  do it without time.

and then, to ask PB about VB or not? hatred of a request for a favour, undeserved, in the pattern of rejection. 

So therefore, where have I been in this poem, in this book? as a record of a journey. The idea of a mihi, a formal welcoming, that each of these in as much as they deal with loss is also accepting that a new way of life is coming, unknown. working this into the body so it's known that it's not an error. 

I feel fucking terrible about starting to write today. But I am taking myself through my emergency writing steps anyway. I have headphones and music, and two hours on the selfcontrol app started. the source of the terrible - having the feeling of Starting Work tomorrow and the pressure on the time, like everything is banked up behind the wall, and the pressure to attend to all that, a sense of anger from the other about what I haven't already done. A "WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE THE DISHES" feeling. Which is not trivial because it was threatening and constant and overrode my needs and preferences all the time. Or maybe not all the time but there was no negotiating? And what I needed was undefined, and no kind of priority at all.

Anyway, I am taking myself through these steps. have music, headphones, time will stretch. There are dreams.

Last night I dreamed I was in the water - the sea, a large bay, with Mum and Cathy. There's a really strong current sweeping us fast in a direction which may be beyond where we want to go. I think I've dreamed about this water & coastline before. There are multiple bays, islands, it's quite pleasant but there are the dangers of being in the water to negotiate. Swimming out of the current to the land. This was the plan, and I'm not sure if I have the strength, if this is too big an ask.

There's another section to the dream. Getting out of the water onto a pier, this place is Japanese, we are in a museum? A row of artefacts in the centre of a room. A very weathered beam - or is this the pier?

To be in the cultivation of a dream life, which is more important than the poetry. This feels like a really core piece of the puzzle. I want Martha to understand its importance. And in that, finishing this book is not the same significance. It is not INsignificant. It is just not the 'end' of all. And my accountability is not in having it published, but in developing this life.

a dream in which a man and a woman are crouched, face-down in shallow water. I/the woman stands up, and immediately begins labour.

the water was in a stone room, ancient and quite dark. the labour is very active, powerful, almost angry. 

other than that I feel stuck, 'blocked' tonight; maybe a symptom of having just done marking which was finished today. part of it is actually a little different to what the word block suggests - it's like charge through me every time I see another art work or *something* that i approve  of - a movie title, a photo a line, something. 

very hungry to do some kind of collage, and for the patterns in asemic writing.

and thinking I would like to submit the ms to Vagabond Press, seems like the right place.