"The evening I offer you the easy aspirin of death
Boots on the golden age of landscape
You don't understand when I've
Smelled the smell of ... I don't know
Now from opposite sides of the drawing
The nut of his birthday
..."

John Ashbery, from "Night"

twitching meditation

electric light lids snibbed at tipping point, lashes buzzing, dark inner of the cheeks ok there goes shin, chin going shape of a sad domino tipping I'm in my face, the lit up dark white oxygen pad hits back of the case shape of a grin ace face I'm in my face

not sure what I saw today. I had moods. a curse of two or three years was lifted! I was empty of knowledge and deserved expulsion. I was ready, with a future. I found what was in front of me and began to suck, hard. the teat was dry. the teat overflowed, the flavour was closed, unavailable to me. floods touched the feet of loved ones. the population grew. the weather grew and grew. I was in that. 

I've been immersed, stressed, in the land of lateness - but also deep in work, working from somewhere between 12 and 3 to 11 and 1 each day/night. Eyes sore, arms aching, but that job is done now and today I surfaced, back to the beautiful world, and N, and people to lunch with. It's good. Now I'm so thirsty to read, my poor bare plot won't soak up the sun. 

Crocodile Climate Refugee Escapes to Equator in Dream

I dreamed that N and I had moved into a lovely bungalow on the water - there was a railed jetty/walkway out the back that connected us to our neighbours. It had been my parents' place, or at least their neighbourhood, but because of their financial trouble they had moved on. A colleague, who was about to lose his job, lived along the jetty.

We'd had a housewarming party the night before; my parents had invited all their friends and requested angpao/red packets for money gifts. Perhaps I was even pregnant. It was the day after the party and I went to our back door to look for the kitten that used to live here with the previous family. She was there but had been scared away by a strange, rangy husky lurking at the door. It looked like a predator and I tried to shoo it off but when it lay down on the dog bed I knew it was one of the family animals too. I hoped it hadn't eaten the kitten.

I went inside to open the angpao and sooner or later the kitten came to the front door. I was delighted - that we lived in this nice place, that the kitten was going to stay with us. I lay on the floor on cushions, opening the red packets and cuddling with the cat. Several people had given us a hundred dollars and I was feeling a little uncomfortable about that - I knew it wasn't a rich area and wondered if they'd felt pressured by my parents.

I opened one from Maureen and was puzzling over it. There was a hundred dollars, a couple of gift certificates and the details of her bank account. It seemed like I was supposed to take more money out but maybe she wanted to put the money back in? She wasn't rich, had her own family. Just then she came up the walk from the beach to visit. I leaped up to hug her in gratitude but she was not responsive. We started talking about my colleague, A, who she'd just been to see.

He wasn't doing too well, she said. "He had another 'bubble' a couple of weeks ago and now he's not coping with the work situation". By 'bubble' she meant aneurism - he'd had a few in the past. I shrugged a little. I decided not to care about him a while ago because of the way he was about his job, and because he probably was going to get fired.

We talked about the weather, how fish stock were dying and there was a 'ling' tide. "What's that?" I asked, but N laughed and pointed out the window - "There it is". I wasn't sure what he meant - it was high tide, and perhaps 'ling' tide meant that there would be no more low tide.

Maureen's family were out there on the jetty. Just as I looked out a huge crocodile leaped out of the water and snapped. It was frightening but beautiful too, emerald green. "Did you see that? Did you see it?!" Maureen's daughter or partner and kids were out there on the jetty and I saw they were in a state of chaos. The mother had recoiled in fear at the crocodile, but at the same time one of the children hadn't seen and was still playing, was mid-bounce. Somehow he got over the wrong side of the barrier and fell in the water. There was a thrashing - he was being eaten. The family were screaming - another of the children reached her arm over to somehow try to reach him but the crocodile was out of the water again. And neatly tucked her arm into her own mouth before devouring her, head first, too. There was blood.

I thought of the solutions - there was no gun, no help would get here in time. "Get inside", I started screaming. "Get inside, get inside, get inside."

I know I shouldn't go on facebook when I'm sad and drunk.

tonight I wound up looking at pictures of the old house - I felt like it would help to stop me being homesick. and since the privacy settings were adjusted once again I've been able to look at the old bitch's photos, though I can't see her wall and I'm barred from leaving her messages.

I saw they've rebuilt the bridge over the front pond.  they've got lambs in the front paddock, and their grandchildren come over to feed the lambs with bottles. it's their pond, their paddock, their place now. they can raise hyenas there if they want to, suckle them from the old bitch's teat.

but then I saw the one of the grandchildren having a picnic with a china teaset. It was my china teaset, my grandmother's. was locked in the garage for us to retrieve, but once the bank signed over the title early we had no chance. we borrowed money from the last people we could to go up there. last loan forever. and they already had the cops at the gate. the title was signed, the assignee had been informed, and any possessions left on the property were a matter for the courts.

the next photo had the kids in it too, and, to my confusion, something tagged Lily: a pig, I figured out, after staring for a while. The kids were draped over it, cuddling it, all in their togs, because the pig was reclined in my daughters paddling pool.

And there was the Bishop, too, to round things off. Beaming jauntily behind them, with a hand on each of the granddaughter's heads. Bishop Brian Axle of Shining Hill Church. And Lily the pig. In my daughter's paddling pool.