today was a lot of slipping in and out of the rain - you can take two steps from shelter to a taxi and you are soaked through to the skin, exhausted, not wanting to wear a seatbelt because it presses wet clothes against you, worrying about the box of books in the boot and whether you can get them safely into the apartment building. the night is very blue and books want to be read. but tomorrow to hanoi, whether some quiet and restoration and stillness can be found there. in all the traffic there could be, like in bangkok, places for budding waterlilies in soft pinks and greens. I'm getting dogged by despair and need something written, something accepted. and need hours and days of quietness. need to write something for the funeral. they are writing on her coffin so I wrote some words but it is cruel because if I feel where we are together most it is three years old, holding hands and crossing the road. holding hands in the big wind and stopping and holding the lamp-post to not get blown away. on the way to granddad's shop. or cuddling up in the morning listening to the radio. hanging out the washing together. and there was a mangler. and there was a candy floss machine. so what to say? my tummy hurts, I want to go to sleep, like that....

medical insurance today. running through policies, took hours. she had a funny little laughing wheeze when she said most anything. and very bright white diamond rings. quick to notice N's changes in mood. stacking up the possibilities. Ectopic pregnancies, twins, hydatidiform moles, neo-nate care, cancer, psychologists, acupuncture, evacuation, repatriation, contact lenses..............................